that feeling you get when you write a long tumblr rant post for hours and you finally finish it and you want to post it and chrome or tumblr freaks out on you and you lose your whole post.
That just happened to me. I wrote a whole post about Oz the Great and Powerful and it was a beautiful post but now I lost the whole thing and I’m too demoralized to write it again. I shall go to sleep now with a heavy heart tumblr. Thank you for losing me all my work.
Because I think that these were great reads and wonderful, and everyone could use them. And at the very least, I wanted to preserve them somewhere for myself, and where better than my online diary? :)
And really, just remember:
“Be kind to yourself and protect yourself, and use this time to get to know who you are, minus another. Because that is great and wonderful, and will lead you to everything you’ve been looking for all along.”
That is the most important thing.
EDIT;;; PS. This excerpt from one of the articles, I just have to quote as well, because I believe it wholeheartedly myself and couldn’t have put it better. See! I’m not the only crazy one who thinks this way. You can move on, but you can still love your ex, if you think they were someone who deserves to be loved. You can still care about them. It doesn’t have to be end all, and trust me, one day, I believe all that good karma you’re building will come back to reward you. I KNOW IT WILL! :) So love everyone and yourself!
Your friends are going to probably be pushing you to “get over it” or “just forget about him/her”. Look, you feel the way you feel and you’re entitled to it. By denying it or telling yourself you’re wrong for still having these feelings, you’re only making the situation worse. You know what I say? Never stop loving. That is not me saying to become an obsessive stalker who never gets over their ex though, so listen carefully. Never stop loving, but love without expectations. I don’t know how to quite put this in words, so let me give you an example from my life:
I was absolutely devastated when my ex dumped me. When he sat me down that night, I was totally convinced he was going to tell me he loved me for the first time and instead he told me he couldn’t see me anymore. Needless to say, I was truly taken aback. All my friends told me to get over him, but my philosophy was you get what you give. Just because I loved him, didn’t mean he had to love me back. I was okay with him not loving me back. I didn’t even try to get back together with him. I knew by letting my heart express itself, I would have that love returned to me one day. I wasn’t sure who it would be, but I knew someday someone would reciprocate the love I was capable of.
I may be crazy, but I believe from the bottom of my heart that this faith in love and the love I had to offer (coupled with healthy coping tactics explained above), is what brought me the great relationship I have today. I didn’t let myself become jaded, or unreceptive. If anything, that break-up made me believe in love more than anything else because I felt it inside me.
You should always believe in love, even when you are hurting. No, it isn’t waiting around every corner and yeah, Mama was right. You have to wait. But I promise it is out there, as long as you believe it is. It is when you cut yourself off from your heart and become involved in unhealthy coping mechanisms that love ceases to exist.
The stars were falling outside. A simple pull, and the blinds blinked closed, shutting the dim static light out of her room. She turned around; what to do now? What to think? Sometimes things were inexplicable, they would always be that way. Sometimes things were sad, sometimes life was a tragic storybook. That’s just what it was, then. A storybook. She would make it all a storybook. When the feelings were too strong, when the nameless sorrow welled up from somewhere unknown, when the source of loss could not be pinned down, there was only one thing to do. She pushed open the cool silver screen, the gentle blue light humming onto her face. When she could not explain her life, and why life had loss, she could only express it.
Hey guys! I’m still alive. In fact, the video is of me! I recorded this a day ago to wish my boyfriend a happy 21st birthday, and then I decided I would also attach it here since this is my personal blog (albeit a bit dead lately). But for those of you that have always wondered what I look like! Well, now you know. :)
And you also get to hear me sing! What craziness! Don’t mind my awkwardness though. This is just a video for a wonderful person who has come into my life (speaking of which, I really must write about him sometime) and also a video to reach out in person (literally) to my wonderful followers. :)
Let me know what you think of my Birthday song singing! haha. Perhaps one day I will upload more videos of just me singing actual songs if you guys think I should. :3
Love you all. <3
Sorry for disappearing for a short while (again), but classes and life got in the way! I had a pretty awesome 21st birthday that lasted two weeks (literally, almost) sooooo that’s my excuse, haha. Thanks again to everyone who also gave me birthday wishes here on tumblr and made it special!! I love all of you. <3
That being said, I want to welcome my newest two followers!
kaleidoscopeofwords started following you
sendingicebergs started following you
No clue how you guys find me when I don’t even update my blog, but thank you nevertheless. You guys are the newest additions to my list of the “best people in the world”, hehe. ;)
Hopefully lots of posts about life, love, film, as well as reblogs and art are on their way soon! :) Now that summer classes are over, I have literally two months before I start classes at UC Davis (I CANT WAIT!!!) which means I have a lot of time to kill by blogging! As always, thanks for sticking with me, lovelies, and I hope you guys have been having equally wonderful summers so far! <3
So it’s my 21st birthday tomorrow! The real celebration will be coming later this month (after I’m done with classes) but I’m still so excited! It is after all, when I become legal for a couple of things. xDD
But I’m so, so sick right now. And also immensely busy with a summer chem class. Sigh! I just wanted to apologize to all of you wonderfully swishy people for being a bit dead. I’ll be back soon, I promise!
There was a sudden sharp jab in my side. He had walked by, seen me not paying him any attention, and decided to remedy that by poking me right on the side of my stomach.
Despite being completely mortified, I played it cool and whirled around with a perfectly played gasp. “Oh my god! You scared me!” I cried, pretending to have been really caught by surprise (when actually out of the corner of my eye I had watched him approaching me and almost expected him to do something - though I’ll admit I didn’t expect to get jabbed in the side). He just grinned at me in reply and proceeded to take out his stuff for lab.
I turned away, carefully hiding the creeping blush on my cheeks under my hair. Why was it that such a simple playful gesture could get me so flustered? Perhaps it was because he dared to poke me not on my arm but stomach, after just knowing me for 5 days? To be honest, it was a little bold of him (I could have made things feel embarrassing and awkward for him instead), but since it actually pleased me, I let it slide. And all I could think was, Why? What did that mean? Why did he even care to catch my attention when he felt I was ignoring him for too long? And how did he dare to use this method to catch my attention, rather than resorting to something much more normal, like, “Hey, what’s up?”
And of course, I was also blushing and panicking for a whole other reason - morbid horror that he had poked me on my stomach, which is in no way flat. Could he feel how fat my flab was with that poke? Did that completely disgust him and was he now thinking about how fat I might be? I mean, I was wearing a sweatshirt for a reason, because lately I’ve been doing nothing but feeling fat, and this is the only jacket I have that lends a completely vague air towards my body figure. Ugh. Of course, he was now trying to talk to me like nothing had happened, so maybe he hadn’t felt anything. Yeah, maybe everything was all right, and there was no damage to control. After all, it was just a split-second poke - barely enough time to register anything, right? I secretly poked myself in the side over and over again, under my jacket, trying to gouge how that poke must have felt like to his finger. Finally I decided that maybe it just felt like how anyone’s stomach should - flesh that can give, but hard at the same time. Or at least, I hoped so.
The past few days have forced me to remedy this journal with an additional note.
Was this what people mean by “shooting a gun of love”? Probably not, and yet this finger poke of his seemed to have a similar effect on me nonetheless, because for the past few days I’ve been able to do nothing but think of him. Ugh, I’m such a sap.
No, I’m not in love with him, I don’t even really have a crush on him. I’m just…thinking of him without meaning to, because you know how it is - some people just leave an impression in your mind.
Whenever I get a good story idea, I suddenly try to stop disturbing it and instead will just keep reviewing and reviewing the ideas in my head like I was playing a movie reel over and over. I won’t try to think any further into the story, or try to fill in its missing spots; I just review and replay all the details, all the scenes that I’ve already come up with, and think of nothing more. I treat them gently, cautiously, as if they were a wide basin I had just filled to the brim with clear water, and any treacherous misstep could cause me to lose all my work. I fear that if I were to continue thinking upon the story, and figuring out new ways for it to progress, I would lose what I already have created, and end up with nothing at all. And so I balance my wide basin carefully, and don’t even let the slightest ripple disturb it, because I fear watching all my thoughts gushing, splashing, crashing out of my reach. I am just so afraid to lose what I have already dreamed up, irrevocably and forever.
This is short personal post. Summer’s here! I’m hoping I’ll have some time at last to get back to doing what I really want to do (and what I dropped over the course of the school semester) - fanart, fanfiction, blogging, writing and art in general. Can’t wait!
Although this past week I’ve been busy getting stuff together for my transfer to UCDavis in the fall. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE EITHER LOL. That’s one of my big news - I’m going to Davis!!! And the apartment I’m going to be living in looks AMAZING.
I also attended the first concert ever in my life last Monday. IT WAS AMAZING TOO. My god, there were like 15k+ people there at least, and every time those k-pop celebs walked out, the screams were deafening. I srsly thought I could go deaf, but boy the mood is infectious. Everyone was just so CRAZY about their idols! I’m amazed at how nuts some fans can be XD (in a good way). Anyhow, the concert was FREE lol, which was an added bonus - it was the MBC Wave in Google, in CA. Literally happened in the heart of Google HQ. Me and my friend waited in line since 10:30 AM that day (concert was at 7 PM) and even then we only had seats towards the far back-middle. :( People were there all night lining up!
I might put up some pics later (or not) of the concert. xD Depends on how spammy you guys would think they would be…o-o;
Oh, and I’ve bee baking for fun! Gonna upload some pics of my latest blackberry cupcakes for sure - I’m kind of proud of them actually. xD;
Well, that’s it for personal updates. :P Sorry to have lost a follower while I was gone, but I appreciate everyone else for still sticking with me. <3 Now that grades have come in and I can relax, it’s time to be more active again! Yay summer!! ;))
We actually do the worst things to bugs - we squash em, drown em, smack em, vacuum em, cut them open. We mow em down with lawn mowers and we zap em with electricity. And we never feel bad about it, because they’re bugs. They don’t scream, they don’t cry, and they don’t beg us for mercy. Plus, we hate them anyways, ‘cause they’re always crawling all over our shit. So we kill em daily without even the slightest bat of an eyelid or the smallest twinge of our conscience; and then we go back to the TV where we’re condemning those filthy killers of humans and dogs, and we scream for their blood as well.
….I just had a thought, cuz I was checking out this nice midnight blue bottle of polish I have. I want to paint Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Starry Night on my nails. That would be so cool.
First I need to go buy some proper nail brushes and more colors, though. But that would really make an amazing set of nails I think.
I would spread the painting out across all 5 nails (black buildings on pinky, night sky with swirls spanning the middle fingers, and the moon on the thumb). And ofc, clouds and more swirls and sparkles on every nail…..ooooh.
If anyone paints nails like this, upload/show me a photo and share? o3o
I remember a time when I thought everything in movies was real, like people were really in love and kissing or really dying in front of my eyes. That was innocence. And I would stare at the screen in horror and ask my mom, “How can you watch this?!” And later when I’d see the previously-killed actors walking around on TV all perfectly fine again, I’d marvel at how that was even possible. Because I knew I had seen them impaled on TV, but here they were, smiling and waving without a scratch. “But Mommy, I thought that man died!!”
And my mom would explain to me that it was all just an act, that it was fake, that they were actors and that was what they did. But I was still too young to understand the concept; I could not imagine how anybody could fake things, nor why they would want to fake things. I couldn’t imagine how anybody could have faked that sword going through flesh without actually hurting the actor.
And then I would spin my own crazy idea that they must have impaled the actor, in order to capture it on screen, but the actors must also have access to great doctors and they patch them right back up. So then I had a cycle of thought where actors got hurt all the time, but it was ok, because they could get fixed in no time. And I also thought they were weird and promiscuous for kissing everyone they met and being in love with all kinds of random people. What a horrible job that must be, I thought.
Of course, by the time I began to lie and put on acts and fake all kinds of things, I understood perfectly well how movies worked. And I understood that so much in life was…. never real. Movies lied for a good reason, to simply tell a story, but I hardly ever did.
I still can remember those years when I thought movies were real things that could never be taken back. I still can remember my shock, my horror, my amazement and confusion, and how I tried to puzzle it all out, like a math problem.
Now that was youth; that was innocence.
Like, I won’t tell you flat out to your face if I know you irl what I fangirl obsessively about (unless you really beg for it and ask me) and I would die of embarrassment if people irl actually found my blog and read everything I put up (imagine if my parents read my blog…cue dropped teacup smash). I’m not THAT bold. But I WILL try to make people see things they don’t normally see in their own boring fandom-less lives, just to try to enlighten that poor half of our demographic that never even knew that things like my OTP EXIST. T_T And then I can proudly say afterwards, if people go home and google “RDJude kissing” out of simple curiosity inspired by looking at my wallpaper and wondering “Was RD and Jude kissing?!”, that it was -I- who caused it.
And if people just look at my wallpaper and it only confirms their beliefs that I’m a straaaange, strange little girl, well then. That’s their loss. I did try to show you a marvelous world. IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU CANNOT SEE THE BEAUTY IN RDJUDE. And I shall forever remain the classroom queer.